Everything
by ifyouarechilly
Summary: Sometimes unrequited love is the worst kind of love.
1. Part One: Broken

**Part One: Broken**

"I have been in love with my best friend for as long as I can remember. And... it's hard. It's extremely hard, because I know that she doesn't feel the same way. I know that. That knowledge is always with me. It sits on my chest, like a weight that will never be lifted. It's always there. She... she ruins my life. And I know how that sounds, but it's true. She ruins my life. And she has a smile on her face while she does it. She just sits there, with her perfect face, and perfect voice, and perfect everything, just... ruining me. Breaking me, and killing me, and she doesn't even know. She has no idea what she does to me."

I take a deep breath after finishing my speech, and look at the woman who is sat across from me.

The woman stares at me. She's thinking, I can tell that much. Thinking about what? I don't have a fucking clue. You would think I would know, by now, what my therapist was thinking. But, I have learned that not knowing what to expect with this woman is a normal thing.

As the silence continues to envelop us, I glance over to her therapist's desk.

I look at the name plate. It reads: Dr. Jenna Young. I look back to my therapist.

She doesn't really look like a Jenna. I don't know what a Jenna looks like, but she sure doesn't look like one.

Jenna is young, and she doesn't like to be addressed as Dr. Young. That's what she told me on out first session together. She has brown hair, and green eyes. I like green eyes, but I've always preferred blue over everything else.

"Okay," Jenna sits back in her chair. "Have you ever thought about telling her?"

"Every day," I shrug. "I probably think about telling her at least ten times a day."

"And why don't you?" Jenna tilts her head.

"Isn't it obvious?"

"You're scared."

"Yeah, that's true. And because I know she doesn't feel the same way."

"How do you know that?"

"I-" I stop. "I don't know."

"You know, what you're going through, it's not uncommon. There's a word for it, do you know what it is?"

I shakes her head.

"It's called _unrequited love_. It's when you love someone, and they don't love you back. In your case, you assume she doesn't love you back. Which still makes it unrequited because in your mind, you're the only one who's in love."

I have never thought about it like that before. I swear, this bitch makes me think way differently than I ever would.

"I know what you're feeling; it was very easy for me to relate to what you were just talking about. I know about it firsthand, actually."

"You do?" I'm surprised.

"Yeah," Jenna nods. "I was in love with my best friend, too. All through out high school, he was... everything to me. And one day, I just couldn't take it anymore. I was sick of keeping it a secret, sick of pretending to like his girlfriends, and pretending to be just his friend, when in reality I wanted to be so much more."

"You told him?"

"Yeah. In a very bad way, but I told him."

"How did you tell him?"

She sighs. "We were at some party, I believe. He was with his girlfriend at the time, and me? Well, I was drunk mess," She laughs. "He... left his girlfriend, because I was just being an idiot, and took me back to his house. I don't remember much of that evening, but I do remember waking up the next morning in his bed, fully clothed, and him watching me."

"He was watching you sleep?"

"It sounds creepy, but it was very sweet. He had taken care of me all night, and slept on his floor. Wooden floor."

"Wow."

"Yeah, and he informed me that the night before I had told him something. Something that he wanted to know if it was true or not. According to him, I had said, 'I hate your girlfriend. But, I love you. I am in love with you, and I have been for such a long time.' And, then I passed out." She laughs.

"What did you say?"

"I told him it was true."

"So, what happened?"

She smiles, while looking down at her left hand. She holds it up for me to see.

There is a small, but very beautiful diamond on a gold ring.

"We've been together ever since."

I smile softly. "Don't give me hope like that."

"I'm not giving you hope; nor am I telling you to go out and get drunk and confess your love for her, but I am telling you this. There is no way you could know for sure how she feels about you. For all you know, she could be feeling the same way you are. Hopelessly in love, but too scared to admit it to the only person that matters."

I sigh.

"You have to tell her."

"I can't."

"Tell me why. Tell me exactly why you can't tell her."

I bite her lip. It's so hard to talk about her like this, but I know I have to. "Sometimes... I think she feels the same way, just by the way she looks at me. Those are the times I want to tell her the most. Those are the times I just want to grab her and kiss her and never stop. But, right when I get the nerve, it goes away. Because I think about what could happen if she doesn't feel the same way. I could lose her."

I run a hand through my hair. "She is... everything. I wake up, because of her. I do mostly everything in my life for her. I can't go a day without speaking to her. So, if I tell her, and she doesn't feel the same way, it could... destroy us. Ruin our friendship, and I don't what I would do if that happened."

"Well, then I think you need to think about something: Is she worth that risk? Is the potential of being with her, worth the risk of losing her friendship?"

Instead of answering, I look at my watch and notice that my session is over.

"Well... were out of time, so..." I stand, and watch as Jenna roles her eyes.

"Okay, I'll see you next week, and I expect an answer then."

"I'll work on it," I mumble, and head for the door to her office.

I say a goodbye to the secretary on my way out of the building, and when I get outside, I stop for a second.

I sigh and squint into the LA sun, as I adjust the strap of my messenger bag that's around my shoulder.

I look around on the busy street and all I see is her.

She's everywhere, really. Everything I see usually reminds me of her.

Speaking of her, her personal ringtone is flooding my ears, so I know that she is calling me.

I take out my phone and stare at the face on the screen a minute before answering.

"Hello?"

_"Hey you."_ She says, sweetly.

I close my eyes, inwardly sigh at everything that is her, and then start to make my way down the street.

"Hi."


	2. Part Two: Confessions

**Part Two: Confessions**

"Are you okay?" She asks.

I stare at the ground as I walk. "Yeah, Spence, I'm fine."

"You sound upset."

"I said one word to you. How do you know if I'm upset or not just by that?"

I stop at a crosswalk, and I can see my apartment building from my spot on the street. I don't bother driving to my therapist appointments, because I live pretty close.

"Because I can tell when you're upset. It's in your voice."

"Okay, well... I'm not upset. I'm fine."

"You're lying, but it's okay. You'll end up telling me eventually."

I roll my eyes at that; there's no way I'm telling her anytime soon why I'm upset all the time. She is the reason, after all.

"Anyway, what are you doing?"

"I'm walking home."

"Oh, where were you?"

"I was, uh," There's also no way I'm telling her that I've been seeing a therapist because my undying and secret love for her as gotten too much to bear. "At a meeting."

"But you don't work on Saturdays."

"You're right. They just needed me to come into for this meeting. The guy we were meeting with could only come in today, so..."

Hopefully she's not as in tune with my lying as she is with my emotions.

"Hmmmm. I think you're lying again, but I'm just going to let it go, cause I know you're going to tell me everything that's been up with you eventually."

I look up and noticed that the crosswalk has probably changed about five times now. How long was I standing here?

"Oh, hey, since you're on your way home, why don't you stop by and see me at work? Pretty please? With a cherry on top?"

Spencer works at a Starbucks across the street from my apartment building.

Because I can never, ever, say no to her, I say yes.

"I'll be there soon."

"Okay," I can practically hear the smile in her voice. "Love you, Ash."

I close my eyes again, and bite my lip. God, why does she do this to me? "Love you too."

We hang up and I take a deep breath before starting down the street.

What I'm doing right now probably looks really weird and creepy, but no one can see me, so I don't exactly care.

Spencer at work is just too cute to pass up.

I sip on my coffee, and stare at her as she takes orders, laughs with her co-workers and just being genuinely adorable in her little visor and apron.

She makes eye contact with me at one point, and I don't really mind that she's caught me staring because I know she doesn't care.

But, what she does next nearly kills me.

She smiles that smile that I love oh so much(the one that is only for me), and then gives me a wink before returning to making someone's coffee.

I swallow, and try not to notice the effect she and what she just did have on my heart. It feels like someone is grabbing it and squeezing the hell out of it. Why does she do this to me?

I tighten my grip on my coffee cup, and try to control my emotions before Spencer goes on her break.

Five minutes later, she is sitting across from me, her own coffee in front of her.

"Hi," She says, sweetly.

"Hey," I say back.

She laughs, and in turn, her laugh makes me laugh.

"Why are we laughing?" I ask.

"I'm not sure." She tilts her head, and I try not to die of how cute she is.

Changing the subject, I ask her how her day has been.

"It's been okay," She says, while playing with the rim of her coffee cup. "But, my day usually gets a whole lot better when I see you."

This is one of those moments. The ones I was talking about with Jenna. The one where I just feel like she feels the same way about me, as I do about her.

It's the way she's looking at me, that convinces me the most. It's hard to explain, but her eyes, they just have so much warmth in them.

And then, the things she says. Like what she just said. Doesn't that sound like love to you?

I want to tell her, so bad. I just want to whisper the words to her, right here, right now.

I mean, how easy would it be to just say, "Spencer, I am in love with you." Easy enough right?

I open my mouth, and nothing comes out. No sound. No anything.

"Ash?" She asks.

I close my mouth, and open it again. "Yeah?"

"You okay? You just, like, left me there for a second," She chuckles.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm cool." I nod and smile.

"Okay," She doesn't look convinced, but I'm guessing she thinks I'll tell her, "eventually."

I look down at my coffee and inwardly sigh again. I do that a lot, so that she doesn't notice.

Will I ever tell her? Could I ever tell her? What will she say? What is going to happen?

All of these questions are on my mind every single second, of every single day, and these are what keep me from telling her.

"Ash?"

My thoughts are interrupted by her voice. "Yeah?" I say and look up.

"I get off in about an hour. Do you want to grab some food and hang out at my place tonight?"

You've probably learned that saying no to her is never an option, so of course I say yes.

"Okay," She lightly smiles, then stands and walks back behind the counter.

I continue to stare at her while she works, contemplating what I'm going to do with this situation.

I come to no decision though, because I'm too distracted by watching her.

After picking up some takeout from our favorite chinese restaurant, Spencer and I walk through the door to her apartment.

It's a small, but very well decorated place. I love being here. Everything is just so Spencer and it makes me insanely happy.

We sit on the floor in front of her coffee table and dig in, as per usual. This is what our Saturday nights consist, if you didn't notice.

We eat, and after we stay in the same spot, just talking.

Spencer and I can talk about anything and everything. Well, almost everything, but you get the idea.

Before we know it, it's almost eleven at night, and Spencer starts to yawn.

"Are you actually tired?" I ask, even though I know she is.

"Yeah, Ash, I worked all day today. God, and I have a paper due on Monday that I haven't even started..." She says and lets her head roll back onto the couch.

I smile at her cuteness and move a little closer to her. I take my hand and brush her bangs out of her face.

She closes her eyes and sighs.

I continue to run my hands through her hair, because it's so soft, and I know she likes it.

"Mmmm." The sound comes from deep in her throat, and all to suddenly, I realize what I'm doing.

I stop.

She opens her eyes, and rolls her head to look at me. "Why'd you stop? That felt good, Ash." She says, her voice low.

I don't say anything, because I'm a fucking idiot. Instead, I just look at my hands.

"Are you okay?" She immediately asks.

"I'm fine," I say, hoping voice didn't crack, even though I know it did.

She sits up now, and tries to meet my eyes. "Look at me."

I can't look at her.

"Please, Ashley."

Her voice gets me, so I glance up at her eyes. They are so fully of worry and concern, that I almost start crying right there.

She must have seen the sadness in my eyes, because she reaches over and takes my hand in hers.

"What is going on? Why are you acting like this?"

Silence.

"Ashley, did I do something?"

"No, Spence, no," The thought of her even thinking that any of this is her fault kills me. "You're perfect. You did nothing wrong, it's just... it's me."

"Okay... well, can you tell me why you've been acting so strange lately?"

I bit my lip to stop from crying, but it doesn't work. A tear falls down my cheek.

"Ashley," She says and puts one hand on my cheek to wipe it away. "I don't like seeing you like this, it's killing me. If you could just, tell me what's going on, I could help you."

I shake my head, and remove her hand from my cheek. "No, you can't. You can't help me, Spencer."

She looks hurt at that, and I instantly regret saying it.

"No, Spence, I didn't mean it like that... I'm sorry."

She looks away. "I just don't get it. You've always been able to talk to me, what's changed?"

Me realizing that I'm hopelessly in love you has changed.

"Will you please just tell me? Please, Ash." She's desperate now. "I'll do whatever I can to help you, I promise."

I swallow. I need to tell her. I have too. It's gotten to hard to keep it from her. I'm going to do it.

"I didn't have a meeting today, I was... at an appointment."

There, I got that much out. Baby steps, Ash, baby steps.

"Okay..." She says. "An appointment with you?"

"My therapist." I say and look at my hands. I can't look at her.

"You've been seeing a therapist?" I can hear the shock and worry in her voice. "For what?"

"I.. have these feelings. Feelings that I can't deal with anymore, that are too hard to bear. And Jenna, my therapist, she's been helping me with them."

She takes a deep breath. "Okay. What kind of feelings?"

I take a chance and look at her again. The worry is still there. "Spencer, I.. I don't know if I can tell you."

"Why?"

"Because I'm scared."

"Scared of what?"

"How you'll react."

She opens her mouth, but nothing comes out for a second. "How.. what do you mean?"

I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and open them again. "If I tell you, about these feelings... there is a chance, that you... we might not have the same relationship anymore."

"Are you saying we wouldn't be friends if you told me?"

I nod.

She's silent. A whole thirty seconds goes by without her saying anything.

"Alright. Let me just say this, okay? There is nothing, nothing on this planet, that could make me not want to be friends with you anymore, Ash. You're my best friend. You're my other half, you're everything to me. I don't know what I would do without you, I really don't. I will never let anything jeopardize our friendship. Ever. You mean to much to me."

She's crying now, and I hate it because I'm making her cry. Which in turn, makes me cry.

"So, please, just tell me."

I look at her. This is it.

"I'm in love with you." I whisper.

I don't think I've ever been more scared in my entire life, than in this moment. She doesn't say anything, and that is what terrifies me the most.

She's just staring directly into my eyes.

After another minute or so, I can't take it anymore.

"Spencer," I say, my voice shaky. "Please say something. Anything. Please."

Her bottom lip starts quivering. She takes in a breath, and then starts crying.

Oh my God. What did I do? What the fuck did I just do? Why did I tell her? She hates me. She doesn't feel the same way, and she doesn't know how to tell me without killing me. What is going to happen to us?

Her hands go to her face and she covers her eyes, while shaking her head back and forth.

"Spencer?" I ask and grab her hands from her face.

She looks at me with tear-filled, blue eyes. "Ashley..."

"I'm sorry," I say, because I don't know what else to say. What the fuck are you supposed to say when you tell your best friend you're in love with her, and she doesn't feel the same way?

She opens her mouth, but nothing comes out.

"I knew you didn't feel the same way. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you... it was... just getting so hard. But, you don't love me back, and I understand that. I'm sor-"

My rant is interrupted when Spencer suddenly throws herself at me, her lips landing on mine.

I don't know what to do. My mind shuts off, and I can't breathe. I can't think. I can't do anything.

She's kissing me. Spencer is kissing me. Her lips and attached to my lips, and I don't think anything has ever felt so good.

She pulls away and I open my eyes. Her's are closed and she's taking short breaths.

Her eyes finally open and we stare at each other.

I try to speak, but I can't seem to form any words right now. Did she really just kiss me?

"I've been in love you... for _such_ a long time, Ash."


End file.
